Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

 

 

The ship sank, get over it.

 

 

God must love stupid people, he made so many of them

(Never underestimate the power of stupid people in big groups)

 

 

As I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil because I'm the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.

 

 

Don't steal- the government hates competition.

 

 

There are two types of pedestrians- the quick and the dead.

 

 

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

 

 

Life is like a dick.  When it gets hard, fuck it.

 

 

Life is like a bed of roses:  There's lots of pricks.

 

 

Fuck the rent, fuck the food, I need a tattoo.

 

 

The old Chinese saying:  Virginity like bubble.  One prick, all gone!

 

 

May all your ups and downs be in bed.

 

 

Too often, we lose sight of life's simplest things.  Remember, it takes 42 muscles in the face to frown, but only 4 to extend your arm and bitch-slap the mother fucker upside the head.

 

 

When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin we go to heaven, so... let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

 

 

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

 

 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

 

I'm blond.  Talk slow.  Use small words.

 

 

As long as there are tests in school, there will be prayer.

 

 

When I die, bury me face down so the whole world can kiss my ass!

 

 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 

 

Consciousness... that annoying time between naps.

 

 

Doing my part to piss off the religious right.

 

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

 

 

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

 

 

Some people are alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

 

 

Don't piss me off... I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

 

 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case... coincidence?

 

 

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk.  Alcoholics go to meetings.

 

 

A guy is like an ocean.  The lower you go, the more beautiful it gets.

 

 

The difference between porcupines and police cars, is that the porcupines have the pricks on the outside.

 

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.  But the roses are dying and the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head!

 

 

Don't eat yellow snow.

 

 

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.  Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

 

 

Always take the time to stop and smell the roses.  And the outcome of doing such a deed, will result in inhaling a bee.

 

 

It's a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

 

 

Each day I try to enjoy something from each food group:  The Bon-bon group, the Salty Snack group, the Caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tin-foil-at-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.

 

 

There are three types of people on the world:  Those who can count, and those who can't.

 

 

Nobody is listening until you fart.

 

 

Remember that you're unique... just like everybody else.

 

 

Mess with the best, die like the rest.

 

 

Who was the person to open up that first oyster and say, "My my my!  Doesn't this look yummy?"

 

 

Don't make fun of nerds, you may work for one in the future.

 

 

Who needs in a world without fences?

 

 

Don't drink and drive... you might spill your drink.

 

 

When tapped on the shoulder look the other way.

 

 

Never pet a burning dog.

 

 

Never spit or pee into the wind.

 

 

On the road of life, hitchhike: it's faster.

 

 

You're probably going to get blamed for it anyway, so you may as well do it.

 

 

Always believe in the eight ball, it never goes wrong.

 

 

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.... then beat 'em.

 

 

Never look back because you might walk right into a wall.

 

 

No matter what happens you can always wash your hands.